me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.