You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
☠️☠️☠️