she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
#Caturday
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”