how do y’all walk in shallow water
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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Worth a try
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
#NeverForget
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings