Worth a try
You Might Also Like
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Born to be mild.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.