The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
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[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
welp
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.