[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
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“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I’M CRYINGGG
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.