Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
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Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer