the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
knights of the ikea table
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
The Assassin.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines