Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
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When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.