Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
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Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.