Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
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I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.