*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
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[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
hmmm
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Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register