Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
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Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
*watches the world burn*
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Just grow your own
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.