Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
You Might Also Like
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu