The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
You Might Also Like
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra