[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6