My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I put the p in pants.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
How high do the levels go?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus