Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”