Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
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*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.