Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
We’ve all been there
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…