When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
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I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*