How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.