How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
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Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??![]()
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
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Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
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“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.