“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
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I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
pls suprot
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
sensitive skin
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce