WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
*Gore kicks door down*
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”