A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

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WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again


*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*


I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.


Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.


According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.


Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
*Gore kicks door down*


Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles


overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”