A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
This is the one
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
#winning
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.