Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
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My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter