I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Say it wasn’t you.
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified