@KyrieFaye

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

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@KeetPotato

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

@RandiLawson

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

@Lani_Hayden

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

@TheRolo

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

@TheCiscoKidder

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

@craiguito

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

@Fickle_Filly

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified