When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
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Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.