i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
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70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
If you are reading this then you are reading this
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off