When your best mate counts as a desk too
You Might Also Like
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another