$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
You Might Also Like
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.