Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
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Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.