Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
😲 WTF? 😆
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My Sentiments Exactly
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.