Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

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Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure


Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?


I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.


[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?



WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks


My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me


Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.


This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…


My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles


doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good