@GrillinRod Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
@RachelNoise Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
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@GrillinRod 
@Dawn_M_ Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
@TEXASVETERAN I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
@notmythirdrodeo [my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
@daemonic3 [restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
@campcrunk My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
@whatsJo Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
@STRIKINGxVIKING This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
@sweetmomissa My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
@Browtweaten doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good