I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Steam Forums
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …