The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
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OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
it’s the silliest best thing
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first