Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

Not helping

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.