I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
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Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My dress code is business-casualty.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.