You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
You Might Also Like
Best spoiler warning ever
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
#math
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.