universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.