[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
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“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
That de-escalated quickly
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.