I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.