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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
New menu item
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.