My summer body has been pending for about ten years
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[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle