If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
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Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
#SuperBowl
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
My work here is don’t.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
This makes total sense…
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.