Am getting real tired of your crap…
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[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends