cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.