[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
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This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.