My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
A collection of me turning into random objects.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.