@DoucheMcBaggus

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@Kyle_Raney

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

@decentbirthday

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

@Ideal_Victoria

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

@jessokfine

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

@druuuck

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

@AsgardianRose

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

@PrincesaBallena

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

@causticbob

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.