@DoucheMcBaggus
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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@Kyle_Raney How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
@UncleDuke1969 “You drive, I’m tired.”
@decentbirthday Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
@Ideal_Victoria *experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
@jessokfine You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
@druuuck GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
@AsgardianRose Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
@PrincesaBallena 8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
@causticbob My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.