Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.