When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
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[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My birthstone is kidney
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind