The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
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A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages