You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in