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Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?